I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
