Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize