im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
