Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
