Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
