I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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