I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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