why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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