Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
