ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
