i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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