I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
You were trust falling into bushes
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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