I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Randomize
