Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
