What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
