today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
