Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
