I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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