his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
