hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
