Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
