last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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