Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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