no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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