Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
