i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
