then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I'm jealous of your bromance
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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