I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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