Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
