You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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