I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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