my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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