How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
