apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
