I met the friendliest cop last night
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
