dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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