My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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