i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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