I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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