we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
