Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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