a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
