ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
