You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
We talked him into tasing himself.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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