that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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