My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
