i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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