Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
They should really pass out barf bags in church
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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