i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
