omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
