When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
