I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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