Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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