You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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