i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize