I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
last night I used snow as a chaser
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
