My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize