I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
The best revenge is premature balding
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
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