He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
